release.

crinkling paper, drops of water, shallow breaths.
they echo through the room, past our disbelief, out the door.
the news is too much to bear, for any of us.

---

none of us leave our homes for two weeks.
i lie in my bed for one.
they talk of you on the television – fifteen-year-old girl, brutally murdered. killer remains on the loose.
i squeeze my eyes shut and try to forget.

---

everett goes on a binge, the boy who’s never touched booze his whole life.
comatose on the side of the road, the police find him.
his parents cry. we cry.
when he wakes up, all i can think is thank god we didn’t lose him too.

---

the hallways are hollow, quiet.
we all feel your absence.
the school is already planning a plaque in your honor,
a scholarship in your name.
we hold candlelit memorials at midnight on the field.
security chases us out the first few times.
after a couple weeks, they don’t bother.

---

you don’t have a funeral for a long time.
pending investigations, say the men in suits.
the memorials continue.

---

no progress on finding your killer.
there’s some statistic saying your killer would be a neighbor
someone you knew.

---

i don’t look at anyone on the street anymore.

---

my sister doesn’t talk at home.
when she teaches,
she tries to put as much emotion into it as possible.

---

we hate it.
but it’s her way to cope.

---

days melt into one another.
months pass by without realization.
all we remember is
january fourteenth.

---

kissing,
touching.
it’s all a blur
and for a moment,
i forget.
then i open my eyes.

---

i knew you one, two, three
my whole life.
i think about how much
of that i took for granted.
it’s been seventy-three days.

---

crinkling paper.
a note is passed.
it reads:
i heard that addie girl was raped before that guy offed her.
i shred the paper into pieces.
she notices and writes me a pass to the nurse.
emotional distress, it reads.
she gives me a sad look as i leave.

---

as i walk home
by myself
i think of the way you died.

---

it is your birthday today.
april twenty fourth.
i almost forget.
at lunch, we all sit in silence.

---

she comes to my parents house
my house
her house
and sits with me at the table,
our breaths in sync
she says things always end up okay.

---

i heard your baby sister
attacked some kid at recess
and they’re trying to expel her.
we’re petitioning it.

---

drops of water.
it rains
on the day of your formal
memorial.
it is eighteen days until prom
and one hundred eleven days since you died.

---

i almost did not go to it.
my sister made me.
i’m glad i did.

---

everett went.
rachel went.
colin went.
jordan went.
for some reason
emma did not.
when i called her,
no one answered.

---

i am finally referred
to the school psychiatrist.
she asks me what i think is wrong
i say
addie was a friend of mine.

---

colin asks me to prom.
i say i do not know.
i only say this because
i can’t imagine buying a dress
without you

---

everett writes poetry.
our teacher, my sister
she submitted it to a contest
and he won first place.
he donated the money
to your scholarship fund.

---

day before prom.
i tell colin yes.
rachel and i go dress shopping.
we both notice your absence.
emma bailed on our plans.

---

my dress is teal.
it’s got thin straps and is knee-length.
and as a surprise
i enjoy wearing it.

---

prom was actually…
fun.

---

i think about prom
and i realized
for the first time in
one hundred and twenty nine days
i felt human.
with no worries or cares.

---

shallow breaths.
my sister shows us
a thin plastic stick,
with two little lines.

---

exams come up upon us.
i slide through them.
i feel okay with how i did.

---

the end of school.
i close my eyes, and i try to remember.

---

my parents take me on vacation.
to the beach, they say. the sun.
oregon is too dark all the time.

---

on this vacation
i learn to surf
i get a painful sunburn
followed by a peeling tan

---

my surf instructor told me to breathe.

---

emma calls me in tears the week after i’m back.
we go to the pier and walk down it,
crying and screaming and throwing rocks into the churning ocean
and it was a release.

---

i think i’m beginning to feel again.

---

you’re on the news again.
after one hundred eighty seven days
(five months and one week)
they think they know who did it.

---

his name is daniel.
daniel stedson.
he lived two houses down from you.
they arrested him in seattle.

---

we hold another memorial.
this time, instead of crying,
we talk about what we remember.

---

this time, it’s not raining
when they lay you to rest.

---

august days.
they’re hot and sticky,
especially the night of rachel’s party.
we laid in a hammock
the people moving around us
and smiled as we watched the fireflies.

---

for the first time in
two hundred eleven days
i see everett smiling.

---

i do not realize when I started smiling.
but it happened without me noticing.

---

bouquets of sharpened pencils
brand new binders.
the smell of erasers
and a package of multicolored pens.
the school year is fast approaching.
when it starts, there will be a whole new year of students
who never knew you.

---

on the first day back
we sit together at lunch
and talk about classes the whole time
we never do mention you
although i think of how you should be there
and i know they are thinking it too

---

my first assignment in psychology
is to write about a significant emotional event.
i laugh
without even realizing i’ve been doing that, too.

---

the strangest thing is
i cannot decide what to write.

---

i took an art class
because you were so passionate about his class.
it is filled to the brim with art.
the smells of tempura and pastels
mixed with turpentine
the desks coated with layers of paint
the gigantic still-life in the center.
paintings and posters cover every inch of the walls.
i think i love it.

---

i end up writing about something completely unrelated to you.

---

the dark days of autumn
i never realized how striking it was
stormy skies, scattered showers
and yet, the brightness of the foliage.

---

i realize on october fourth
i cannot pin how many days it has been since you died.
i would have to use a calendar.
i don’t.

---

colin kisses me in front of my locker
and holds my hand in the hall.
jordan dates rachel.
everett still loves you.
emma loves everett.

---

halloween comes.
the six of us dress up like
pirates.
we take emma’s brother
trick o’ treating
and go to a party.
we have fun.

---

my art project.
i paint autumn.
i am so enthralled with it.
i use tempura and sit by my window for days,
capturing the scene
he gives it an a and puts it up by the window.

---

we’re working with clay next.

---

late november, it starts to get colder.
The wind whips us and it gets rainer
and darker.
i miss october.
it’s beginning to remind me of the month
you died.

---

my birthday.
i hold a small party.
i miss you.
but i’m not sad.
we see four movies straight
and eat at denny’s at one in the morning
before crashing on my living room floor.

---

thanksgiving.
i watch the parade in the morning,
before
all my family comes.
grandma, grandpa,
aunts, uncles, cousins.
it’s our turn to host it.
my sister brings her fiancée.
she’s about seven months along.
we’re happy. i’m happy.
we sing songs, tell stories, eat food.
i wonder what it is like at your family’s house.

---

the bastard’s trial starts.
they’ve picked the jurors.
your parents have an amazing team.
he has no chance.

---

it snows mid-december.
and we get three snow days.
we all go out and have a massive snowball fight
and build snowmen and ladies.
each of us make a snow angel
then emma makes one for you.

---

with the clay project,
i make a
la calavera de la catrina.
we had studied them in spanish.
it is a skeleton (calavera)
dressed elegantly (catrina)
it means that anyone is susceptible to death
elegance and status or not.
even us, and you.
i thought it would end up looking like you,
but i do not know who it looks like now.

---

christmas comes.
we head up to seattle
(where they caught him)
it is like thanksgiving
but with television specials
christmas cookies and candies
and gifts.

---

i get many gifts
but only several
do i really care about.
one is a set of charcoals
the other is a photo album
filled with photographs, from
my sister.
for the first time in months, i cry.

---

it is nearing one year.
i’m afraid i’m forgetting you.
we all are.
so we hold another memorial.

---

during it, we just stand there with out photographs
and our words, and thoughts, and smiles, and tears.
we talk about the year before, of all the tears and lack of smiles.
we talk about our new school year.
i talk about art, rachel talks about photography.
then emma says she loves everett.
we end up going home early because it’s too cold.

---

the school is planning something for the anniversary.
they’re going to unveil your memorial.
i’ve heard it’s a big sandstone slab
with a message and image engraved.
they are going to put it in the atrium.

---

he liked my catrina doll so much, he said
he’s going to add it to the curriculum next year,
for day of the dead.
all i can do is hug him.
he remembers you too.

---

we realize –
i realize –
that life is like it was before.
as much as it can be.
i smile in relief.

---

three hundred and sixty five days later
the baby’s name is addie.